Things get worse

Today we buried my beloved grandmother.  Nobody thought she will die so suddenly.  She was sick for a long time, but on Tuesday she said she felt heart aches and chills, so we gave her extra strength Tylenol 500mg and we called an MD to her apartment the next morning.  MD came on Wednesday.  He found her stable, temperature went down, he said she's fine and there was no need for hospitalization.  On Thursday she had temperature again.  We did just like days before, gave her 500mg Tylenol, planning to call MD the next morning to come check on her.  She was next to sleep-in home attendant who was told she'll get money if she will call the family if grandmother's temperature will go up or she will report feeling any sicker.  Then we would call MD and ask him if there is a need to take her to hospital immediately.  Nobody called us until 4:40am.  She was dead then.   Home attendant vouched that grandmother did not complain on fever and did not ask to call us, so she seemed to die in her sleep.  Her body was still very hot when I got there, but she wasn't alive.  We buried her at Beth El cemetery next to my beloved grandfather.  At the funeral, even my mother mentioned that she was raising me like a second mother.  Everyone around seemed to know that as well.  I found out that it was not easier or harder whether your loved one dies unexpectedly or within exact predicted range of days.    After funeral we went to Tbilisi restaurant with everyone who attended funeral to celebrate her life.  It's not really a Jewish tradition, but that's how we were raised.  We thought it would make us forget and feel better.  But as always, computer games take my mind away from all this much better.  I drank a glass of wine for the first time in 6 years, since my grandfather died.  I didn't like this experience at all.  I didn't like the first experience as well.  Come to think of it, I don't have many recollections of experiences in my life that I liked.  My friend who visited me for a week left few days before this ordeal.  I decided not to contact him.  I don't want to talk about it.  I spent two days with parents, sleeping at their apartment.  We got somewhat closer, I think, but I don't know for how long.  I lost the will to wait for good things to happen to me.  I don't think it's happening.  But it's okay.  Fuck it.  It's a short life.