money is flowing away fast...

Another "bonding day" it seems, with parents.  We spent most of the day at New Brunswick Toyota dealership negotiating the new lease on parent's Rav4.  We left on a brand new Rav4 and went to celebrate good deal in a restaurant Atmosphere.  It was very expensive and I felt that we could eat more for the price.  Everyone was very tired by the end of the day.  I played World of Tanks the rest of the evening, mixing it with occasional check ups on Castle Empire.  I found a great little (unfortunately, short) game called "I'm Alive".  I already finished the easy mode and now playing in normal mode 2nd time.  It's a very original game compared to what is out on the market.  I am still waiting for all DCLs to be added to Borderland 2, Hitman Absolution and some others, while hoping that price will come down for Sleeping Dogs so I could buy it.  For some reason I don't rush to replay Max Payne 3.  No good DCLs came out yet.  At home my refrigerator overfroze and I had to defrost it.  Now it's almost no food in there, except lots of Mexican mango juice cans and Chinese mantou buns.  I've seen grandfather in my dreams a lot lately, not my grandmother though.  My parents are still grieving, even though they try to entertain themselves not to think about grandmother's passing.  I still feel that  playing the computer games is the best therapy to get my brain completely out of real world.  Life goes on and then it disappears.  If there is no one left to remember you, than maybe you never existed.  That's how our brain thinks...maybe that's why many consider a "must" accomplishment leaving posterity in children, so they wouldn't be forgotten soon even without making a name for themselves in the world, to validate themselves as something that "was" after they are gone.  I still think computer games substitute this brain worry well.  Tomorrow I hope to get more sleep, take dirty laundry to laundramat, buy some food, help mother w/computer issues over Team Viewer and stay locked out of the rest of the world as much as possible.  I find comfort in keeping it that way.

we all die anyway

We moved grandmother's stuff all week.  Apartment will be vacated very soon.  It seems I spend a lot of time with my parents lately because of it.  Today is beginning of Rosh Hashana.  My mother will be preparing a holiday table and invited me.  It will be the first New Year without grandmother.  She wasn't able to come in the past few years, but we would always call her and then come with a visit.  We already visited her grave again.  I took a day off tomorrow partly because it is still allowed to take days off for religious holiday celebrations.  No whining, it's life.

rainy evening

Just came back from restaurant where my parents and me ate after moving some of grandmother's belongings.  Dropped 5 huge bags at Salvation Army store, gave out some stuff to neighbors, took some stuff to my apt and parent's apt.  Tomorrow will get together again to do the same, maybe go to storage facility and drop off some more stuff.  Next week: same plan.  I guess I am spending more time with parents than before, even after grandfather died.  They are still arguing about everything though, so some things don't change.  I found a new escape not to think too much at www.worldoftanks.com.  This game should take my brain off thinking for few months.  It's entertaining as well.

Things get worse

Today we buried my beloved grandmother.  Nobody thought she will die so suddenly.  She was sick for a long time, but on Tuesday she said she felt heart aches and chills, so we gave her extra strength Tylenol 500mg and we called an MD to her apartment the next morning.  MD came on Wednesday.  He found her stable, temperature went down, he said she's fine and there was no need for hospitalization.  On Thursday she had temperature again.  We did just like days before, gave her 500mg Tylenol, planning to call MD the next morning to come check on her.  She was next to sleep-in home attendant who was told she'll get money if she will call the family if grandmother's temperature will go up or she will report feeling any sicker.  Then we would call MD and ask him if there is a need to take her to hospital immediately.  Nobody called us until 4:40am.  She was dead then.   Home attendant vouched that grandmother did not complain on fever and did not ask to call us, so she seemed to die in her sleep.  Her body was still very hot when I got there, but she wasn't alive.  We buried her at Beth El cemetery next to my beloved grandfather.  At the funeral, even my mother mentioned that she was raising me like a second mother.  Everyone around seemed to know that as well.  I found out that it was not easier or harder whether your loved one dies unexpectedly or within exact predicted range of days.    After funeral we went to Tbilisi restaurant with everyone who attended funeral to celebrate her life.  It's not really a Jewish tradition, but that's how we were raised.  We thought it would make us forget and feel better.  But as always, computer games take my mind away from all this much better.  I drank a glass of wine for the first time in 6 years, since my grandfather died.  I didn't like this experience at all.  I didn't like the first experience as well.  Come to think of it, I don't have many recollections of experiences in my life that I liked.  My friend who visited me for a week left few days before this ordeal.  I decided not to contact him.  I don't want to talk about it.  I spent two days with parents, sleeping at their apartment.  We got somewhat closer, I think, but I don't know for how long.  I lost the will to wait for good things to happen to me.  I don't think it's happening.  But it's okay.  Fuck it.  It's a short life.